Lessons they miss out of your Pre Natal Classes.
At least I think they miss them off, but as I went to exactly 0 - I wouldn't know. Still, if I were to rewrite the curriculum, this is what we would learn instead.
Lesson 1- 🙄 How to politely accept a strangers incorrect advice. 2 weeks of training your face from a blatant grimace, to one of serene acceptance. Dickheads are the second constant of life Im afraid.
Homework : Practise your serenity by not using your mind to stab people that ask you questions ' You not had it yet?!' 'Get your sleep NOW, you'll never sleep again' ' Don't you know what you're in for...?' Etc etc.
Lesson 2 - 🚷 How to change your Facebook settings to private, so inconsiderate family members cannot announce any part of your journey to the world BEFORE YOU DO. We are doing all the hard work, growing this babe - do NOT take any of the small joys away from us. Tag me and die, Arsenhöle.
Lesson 3 - 🏩 The Art of Hospital Bag packing, followed by - the reality of what is going to happen to those knickers you packed. Freebies include - washing powder that works on blood, tissues for random crying and a menu for the local takeaway. Because fuck cooking when your fanny feels like roadkill.
Lesson 4 - 🗯 Great Swear Words To Use In Labour, points for creating your own, and making one long word from several. 'AssTitsWankFuckBitchShitCunt' was a fave of mine, as well as ' Ow you Bastard-Bitch'. Followed by 'Design your own, sorry Midwife, I didn't mean it' Cards. To be sent anytime from a day, to three years after birth. I'm sure they'll remember you.
Lesson 5 - ☕️ Mindfulness. A whole hour dedicated to doing absolutely fuck all useful, but calling it mindfulness so we don't look lazy. This hour will be thought about ALOT once baby departs from womb and follows you everywhere. Including the doorstep for your five minute bit of vitamin D everyday.
Lesson 6 - ✨ Affirmations. No I'm actually serious with this one, every new mum, first time mum, second, third fourth - every mum that had a bad experience, every mum that is nervous. ALL OF THEM. Need to be told before going into this, that they can do it. They are strong they are amazing. They should trust themselves to do it, they shouldn't feel shame if things change. Birth is amazing, not something to fear. 💖
Feel free to forward this to the head of the NHS.
Or your local Health care provider.
Or just print it off for your pregnant mate. She'll see the funny side soon, I promise :)