Friday, 14 July 2017

My No F*cks Given Guide To Housework



Sometimes, when all your f*cks have been given there just aren’t any leftover for the other shit, especially housework. You might have run out of f*cks due to your kids being ill, getting peeved at the other-half for not pulling his weight, hungover maybe? Or perhaps it’s just Monday. Either way, if you need a day off, don’t fret! Here’s my “no f*cks given” guide to dealing with it.

1. The Laundry. 



Fuck. That. Sh*t! Laundry is the devil of all housework chores. It’s the one thing that no matter how much you do, you can never do enough. It lingers as if to constantly remind you of how shit you are at keeping house. Leave it. Just let it pile up in a dark corner somewhere, you never know, husband might decide he’s finally ran out of boxers & put a wash on. Failing that, you can be safe in the knowledge that there are clean clothes somewhere & everyone will survive for at least two days.

2. The Bathroom. 



Are you expecting guests? Is the plumber due? Are you planning on hosting a party in there? No? Then give no f*cks. The toothpaste in the sink can wait, as can the endless amount of random toys in the bath. If you’re a mother to boys with a poor aim (I hear ya’) that’s nothing a bit of spray bleach and oust won’t fix. Leave the hard stuff for another day & pour yourself a cuppa.

3. Vacuuming.



Urgh! Look, being hunched over for long periods of time is bad for your back so unless it’s an absolute given that it must be done, you’ll be doing yourself a favour by giving no f*cks. So what if you have stray raisins under your couch, or hardened playdoh lurking in the corners. Children live in your house, they’re simply leaving evidence of there presence.

4. Cooking. 



When you’ve had a shit day or not rolled in until 8pm due to attending  kids clubs for the past 4 hours, your f*cks could have diminished into nothing. This is why Just Eat was invented. I’m certain it’s the brain child of a non-f*ck giving mother who decided to help us all out. Order a curry, pizza or both. No one will hate you because you couldn’t be arsed to cook that spag-Bol.

5. Washing up.



Admittedly if you go more than 24 hours without washing up, you will find yourself short of mugs. And that’s no good because coffee. All the coffee! However, if you’re on your last precious f*ck, you don’t want to be giving it to a pile of dirty dishes. Instead you can either  a) invest in paper plates and plastic cups from Poundland or b) get someone else to do it. The kids for example, to earn pocket money or your S/O to earn a nag-free night.

6. Picking up kids crap. 



Not actual crap, but toys n’ stuff. Why bother? Absolutely under no circumstances can f*cks be given on a no-f*ck-giving day to wasting your damn time! Because that is essentially what you’re doing. You pick shit up, kids tip shit out. You wipe pen off the windows, they draw on the door. You lose your shit, they laugh in your face. Ignore the lot of it. Your lounge floor will be a sea of paw patrol toys and Lego but who cares? The kids are having fun, and you need a coffee.

7. Cleaning the kitchen.



Handprints on the cupboards? Stray bits of food under that table? Mess left out by your OH? F*ck it. If the other members of your household aren’t going to pull their weight, you’re out. You’re not their slave. No body will notice anyway, at least not the hubby.

8. Polishing.

A most tedious task. And bad for your health too (apparently). On a day like today be kind to nature & give zero f*cks about the ten-thousand spiders taking up home around your fireplace. Give no f*cks to the inch-thick dust on your windowsill or the sticky hand prints on the tv. If you leave it there long enough, it will almost look like its part of the decor. Perfect for a free way to decorate come Halloween.

Your welcome.

Gemma Xx