You have been in my life for far longer than I ever realised, skulking about in the shadows like a hideous troll. You slowly stripped me off my confidence & wiped the smile from my face, & yet all the time I thought I was to blame. I believed I was too weak, too boring & too insignificant & I almost let you win.
You made me feel so lonely, (even though I'm surrounded by people that love me) that I believed there was an invisible wall around me. I began to feel discouraged by everything the future had to offer. You got me in so many ways- emotionally, physically. I could no longer find comfort in the things that once helped boost my wellbeing. You cut me off from the beautiful world & laughed as I floundered in the choking fear that tried to drown me.
For the longest time I did everything you wanted. If you wanted me to stay in bed, I did. If you wanted me to feel ugly, I did. If you wanted me to feel not a good enough Partner, Mother, Daughter, Friend, I did that too.
I forgot what my face looked like without dark circles under my eyes & I forgot what talking to other people felt like. You held my hand when things got bad, but you wouldn't let go when things got better. And then one day I'd had enough.
I understand that you may always be a part of my life but I refuse to let you win. You can take away my light & make me feel inadequate, you can terrorise me into considering that I have no control, but you are wrong. Yes, I will have my bad days, but that's okay because I now realise every morning, when I wake, I have a choice- & I choose to defeat you.
I want to tell you that I am happy & that things are going well for me. I want to tell you that you make me want to tell others that it is going to be okay, because it is.
Thankyou for the lesson you have given me but I'm now fully qualified to take back control. I hope I never see you again, but if I do, I'll be alright. I promise you that.